BENEFITS OF MEDIATION

Oct 30, 2018

Question #81: I have been married for 25 yrs and want a divorce. I am employed, he is self -employed. I pay the bills, as I get paid every two weeks and he gives money as he gets money from jobs. He is a carpenter. We don’t have any children. Live on Long Island and own our home and land upstate NYS. Since I pay the bill and if I leave the home I will have to continue to pay the mortgage and rent at my new place . I can’t afford both.. I have a pension he does not- 25yrs of pension with NYS. Would this be difficult for me to do mediation ? or lawyer which is best for me. Do you have a free consultation for me to evaluate which is better?

Each side choosing an Atty. and battling it out in court in the adversarial system should be the last resort rather than the first resort. If your spouse is cooperative and wishes to get a divorce as well, there is no question that mediation will be faster, cheaper and less traumatic. If you are located […]

Oct 30, 2018

Question #80: Is there any of the mediation or arbitration solutions still an option if the parties are already going through the divorce proceedings in NY and also there is a “order of protection” in effect? Thank You

The option of mediation or arbitration is always available even after you have commenced the divorce proceedings. However it will require the cooperation of both parties. You cannot coerce the other party to participate in mediation or arbitration; It has to be voluntary. With regard to the question about an order of protection, if the […]

Oct 30, 2018

Question #78: I sat down with my attorney and my soon to be ex and her attorney, we finalized our divorce and the papers were drawn up, 8 months ago (April 12, 2007). We both agreed and both left satisfied. But 8 months later she still refuses to sign off. What can I do. She is living with her boyfriend and my children for the last 3 years. I am living with my girlfriend and would love to marry her. But this never ending divorce is starting to stress our relationship ………………Please help……………my attorney tells me one thing and my soon to be ex is telling me something else and I can not afford another attorney to start this process all over again. I had to walk out 5 years ago when she decided to have an affair with a my ex-friend. Thank you.

Unfortunately, when lawyers on opposing sides get together, the process which is difficult enough, gets even harder. You should try to communicate with her outside the formal meetings with the attorneys in a more calm and relaxed setting and see if she is amenable to mediating whatever outstanding issues remain and to finish it and […]

Oct 30, 2018

Question #76: I physically, emotionally and verbally abused my wife six months ago. She left the marital residence three months ago, took out an Order of Protection from me (for six months), found a job, moved into an apartment, and rematriculated our son into another school district. Since, she has been awarded temporary custody of our six year old son and child support. (I have been “indicated” for child abuse, but deny emphatically these allegations my wife has made, which are the only bases for the “indication” – it’s a pretty corrupt process.) I understand her concern about our marriage, her anger at me, and her fear of me (I suffered an Adjustment Disorder six months ago after she stabbed me with a pair of butcher knives). (Although claim that she fears for the life of her and our children is excessive in response to being slapped a few times after “extreme” provocation and instigation – I am not proud of my behavior, but her portrayal of me is ridiculous to the point of comedy.) That being said, after three months, several hearings in family court, support hearings, almost a nervous breakdown on my part, etc… she still has not served me with papers or even purchased an index number with the Clerk’s Office. Is it normal to proceed with a divorce this way, humiliate your spouse in Family Court indefinitely, lie about his parental abilities, grossly exaggerate abuse to the point of delusion, etc… without serving papers and without anything really to gain as custody is not an issue and financial matters are independent of the reasons for divorce (to the extent we are getting divorced yet). Concerning custody, even after my attorney advised my wife’s attorney that I have no reservations about her having custody, she still proceeded to allege child abuse (completely untrue – I am practically father of the decade). So, there is no reason to do what she has as I have no reservations about yielding permanent custody to her. She also has alleged violations of the Order of Protection (interpreting “violation” very liberally). Even after being indicated for child abuse (which has emotionally crippled me as my relationship prior to three months ago was extraordinarily good), being arrested twice and jailed once for “violating” the Order (which also has emotionally crippled me as I have never even had so much as a speeding or parking ticket in my life), yielding custody, and giving in to practically every demand of her and her attorney, my wife still has not served papers. (Although I have rehabilitated my emotional state since she first left me, I was suicidal early on and no-one seems to appreciate the impact of these kind of extreme and false accusations on a person.) Is there a name for this process? Again, I understand her state of mind as I would be pretty pissed off at me too, but I confess to being a little annoyed by the false allegations and the extreme claims like “fearing for her life” and having those entered into public record. Also, the failure to be served yet is puzzling. It seems we could have avoided all the problems of the past few months (at least the problems for me as my wife has been pretty much in Xanadu) if she had just filed for divorce with grounds (that she can prove and to which I have confessed) in Supreme Court. Heck, we could have been divorced by now and although I do not want to get divorced, it would have been easier on me as I would not have to be humiliated and falsely “indicated,” etc… Anyway, my question is what is going on and what should I expect in the future. I’m pretty stressed out, miss my wife and my son (I have only seen him in a limited capacity during supervised visitation). I love my wife passionately and don’t think the problems we have are irreconcilable (although I will always feel pretty ashamed of my behavior), but I also don’t want to confine her to a marriage she does not want (as neither of us will be happy then).

Without having spoken to your spouse, it seems clear from your description of the situation that there are serious problems with your family relationship and that divorce may be unfortunately, the only solution at this point. The question now is whether you are going to enter into a litigated adversarial battle in court or will […]

Oct 30, 2018

Question #75: Hi, I guess I could be one of your horror stories. I’ll try to make my story short. We got married with my husband three years ago and have a beautiful 2-yr old daughter together. My husband comes from a divorced family and so, he acted towards me accordingly – lack of respect, kept me under control, used me literally as a punching bag to practice karate, denied excess to his finances and spent more time with his local Rabbi than he ever did with me. We also lived in terrible conditions, in the mold-infested basement. He refused to move, and only after pleading to his parents and Rabbi, he let me find a new place. Unfortunately, that apartment wasn’t any better – mice, mold, gas leak, 2nd hand smoking, and when the baby came I was terrified and especially upset by the fact that his parents decided we could live there for another 3-4 yrs. Among other issues, my husband showed no remorse and the more I’d get agitated, the more he grew with resentment towards me and set forth on a quest to portray me a bad mother. Oftentimes, I overheard his conversations with his sister and father’s side of the family in my regard; constant lecturing and verbal put-down coming from his step-mother was overbearing. Our intimate life was horrific, as he would simply exploit me for his pleasure while I was crying of pain. He would quietly drive me crazy and asked his sister to come over almost every day to “help”. Not to mention that he would leave to Temple at 5:30 am and come back from Karate and the gym late at night and force me to keep our daughter up till 10 p.m. Sometimes he would scold me for calling while he was on the treadmill that I desperately needed help with the baby. I grew to hate him more each day as his emotional abuse only escalated. He was extremely conniving, whispering something nasty and offensive to me, farting in my face, biting nails and spitting at me. I would scream for him to leave me alone, or call him a name and he would say I did it in front of our daughter, even when she wasn’t there. He called and questioned my friends and family behind my back if they noticed how I’ve changed since the birth of our baby. Meanwhile, I was cooking and cleaning and had his friends and relatives over for Shabbat (with no help from him). He’d still call me crazy and so did his sister. At some point I confronted him that he was just raping me and he got scared that I might report him and later set up a spycam in our bedroom and started taping our conversations. The more he did it while denying he was doing it, the more I just wanted to leave, but nobody would ever believe me and I didn’t have any money for the attorney. Then he went to a social worker(CSW), a member of his community, and told him that I was the one to abuse him sexually. Then he went to some officer and told him that if I call, they should know that I’m crazy and delusional. Then he hired and attorney and after months of torturing me emotionally, served me with papers on the grounds of cruelty. In addition, his Rabbi and the scial worker wrote pretty disgusting letters, that I’m a sinful woman who’s been touching her husband inappropriately and sexually abusing him. Despite everything that happened, I tried to understand that my husband was afraid to loose his license and go to jail, and I had tried to save the marriage for our daughter’s sake and we went to see social worker of his choice. Of course, he didn’t like the fact that she was taking my side, especially when he was the one paying her so much money. I expected genuine love and support, while he just wanted to get rid of me. So we tried mediation, but we couldn’t agree on visitation schedule and the mediator wasn’t really helpful. So he went to seek out a lawyer behind my back but I found out shortly after because she is also a member of the same community, and my husband has been a friend to her husband for quiet some time. So, after he practically kicked me out of the apt, my previous attorney told me to take the baby and run and so I did and, immediately after that we set up visitation schedule. Of course, his attorneys claim that I just packed up and left with our baby unilaterally, (as if my life was so peachy and sweet that one day I decided to make trouble and take off with our daughter). This is just a small part of what they have to lie about to represent their client and make opposing party so miserable. And how fast did she transform from being a friend to the role of his attorney. A friend would probably suggest to treat the mother of your child with respect at least. And so, I left to Brooklyn from Long Island, got a job, rented an apt, and wish I could spend more time with my daughter and can’t wait to have more kids. But do you think my ex is happy that I’m content and confident that I can stand on my feet and that now I’m with my friends and family and don’t have to put up with his family’s abuse? NO! And his lawyers are trying so maliciously make me a crazy woman and to take the baby away from me. You are absolutely right, they helped my husband hate me even more, and he’d refuse to discuss our daughter with me and made my life living hell! And you would think, his lawyer, a religious woman, be compassionate and understanding, or at least investigate what really is going on, but she decided to play it so nasty and what really hurts is that most of the time my husband lies and twists my words or tries to purposely exasperate me while on the phone to see if I loose it and say something that sounds crazy enough to later use as supportive evidence. She also offered mediation and we tried to settle the case, but she and her partner were so mean, cynical and aggressive at the meeting that the only thing I wanted to do is to walk out on them. Right now we have a case pending in court, which was moved from Brooklyn to L.I. and this is only a beginning. At some point I wanted to see justice and proceed with litigation but I didn’t realize how stressful it was going to be and how unfair the system really is. So, definitely, if couples could agree between themselves, they should go for professional mediation. But the big question for me is, when it comes to visitations, how does the mediator really know what’s in the best interest of the child when they don’t evaluate both parents and their interaction with the child? I hope I didn’t bore you with my story, but it’s one out of many that shows how exhasting and overbearing divorce procedure becomes when two people are taught to hate and ignore each other.

With the right mediator, mediation can work even for you and your husband if you are both willing to think of the best interests of the child instead of yourselves and are ready to move on with your lives. Please call me at 212-370-1660 to discuss the matter at greater length. Leonard M. Weiner, Esq./Divorce […]

Oct 30, 2018

Question #74: I am in the middle of divorce proceedings. Frankly, I think it was bad advice on my attorney’s part. This has dragged out almost a year. A Temp. Court Order was issued in Jan ’07. Am I able to stop these divorce proceedings (yes, I started them) and convert our Temporary Court Order into a Legal Separation agreement? My main problem: I am disabled and am fearful if we are divorced, I may not even qualify for my own healthcare. I am currently under his HMO from his job. Thank you.

You can stop the proceedings at any time by formally withdrawing your complaint . You can then enter into a Separation Agreement with your spouse. If you are living in the NYC metro area, I strongly suggest you call me at 212-370-1660 to discuss mediating this matter rather than litigating it in Court. This is […]

Oct 30, 2018

Question #70: If I am in the middle of a divorce and we can’t agree on the settlement on the house, can we go to you to have this settled like adults between us both. She can’t take any more time off work for the hearings and I don’t like the way I am being represented by my lawyer. Can I ask my lawyer for a refund because he’s not around if I have questions or concerns.

You both may agree to mediate any outstanding issues which remain between you and do not have to have the judge settle the matter. If you believe you’re not being represented properly by your attorney you may terminate your relationship with him at any time, and any retainer monies which remain unused must be returned […]

Oct 30, 2018

Question #65: I live in NYC; I met my wife in February of 2002. She is a citizen of an Asian country and was here on a student visa. Within two months, she moved in with me. When she graduated in June, she had only 30 days to find an “approved” job to fulfill the requirements for a work visa. Unfortunately, the bad economic environment did provide an acceptable position. So, in love and sympathetic to her plight (and considerable prodding from her), I married her in July 2002. Since that time, it has been mostly miserable for us. Profound differences between us and her habit of secretly destroying my belongings has created an intolerable environment for me. Desiring quick and simple, I initiated an uncontestable divorce under the grounds of “Cruel or inhuman treatment”. She, at first, said she would sign; alas, but now changed her mind. I have, to this point, only filed for an index number and could continue without her signature, but her parents (back in her home country) are urging her to either hire a lawyer to fight my grounds or make me agree to a one year separation in order to keep her in the US. She hasn’t even received her conditional green card, so her status in this country is in jeopardy. She received her temporary working permit in February 2003; so, prior to that time I was paying all the bills. She hasn’t yet decided on a course of response and I’ve delayed further action until this is clear. To compound matters more, she attempted suicide last night (she even wrote a note) and is now in the hospital awaiting psychiatric approval/release. I know I did the right thing in calling 911 and caring for her, but now I need to escape from this nightmare before she either hurts either herself again or me. I want to reclaim my once-peaceful life. . .quickly. Please advise.

This is a case which I believe should be mediated and not litigated. I strongly suggest that you discuss mediating your divorce with your wife as opposed to each one hiring an attorney and battling it out in court. You’ll simply spend all of your hard earned money on attorney’s fees, and will ultimately be […]

Oct 30, 2018

Question #61: Could I use a paralegal to get a divorce after being separated 3 years, we have no children together, house has been turned over to me. He, up and left us 3 years ago. Leaving all financial responsibilities to me. What I would like to do is get a cheap divorce, free and clear, as so does he.

Like most other things in life – you get what you pay for! There are important personal as well as legal issues which must be discussed, reviewed and settled in a legally binding agreement before a couple can get divorced and be assured that they will not regret having taken the cheap way out. This […]

Oct 30, 2018

Question #60: I have been married for 10 years and have endured verbal abuse for at least 7 of those years. The last 2 years, he feels that he has tried to improve his behavior, but I feel that the damage has been done. I no longer love him. Under what grounds in NYS can I file for divorce ? There are assets to be divided and 2 young children whose custody needs to be worked out. I would like to go through mediation – are there any “rules” where mediation cannot be used ? My husband does not feel that divorce is needed because he has made efforts to change and is quite hostile about the idea. Please help. Thanks

It is not uncommon for one party to be more advanced in the process and decision to divorce than the other but it does not mean they will never agree to divorce. Once your husband understands that you are serious and the marriage cannot continue he will be forced to deal with the situation and […]

LEONARD M.WEINER, ESQ, Ph.D.

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Divorce Solutions

Question #80: Is there any of the mediation or arbitration solutions still an option if the parties are already going through the divorce proceedings in NY and also there is a “order of protection” in effect? Thank You