Q&A

First – My husband and I have been married (in NY)almost 21 yrs.- both NY residents and I have for the most part been a stay at home mom during our marriage (we have a 19 yrs. old college student living at home which her college funds are paid for out of our account. – Husband is a Lt. in the FDNY -(he is 54 yrs. old ), and WE own our home-mortgage free -worth approx. $250,000-$300,000. He earns anywhere from $78,000-$95,000 a yr. -Over the years – my husband has been mentally abusive to me more each year- but I have been too scared to voice it to anyone as it is he who is the one that “puts the bread and butter on the table.” The mental abuse has mounted to the point- that I am at wit’s end. A few years ago- I had three heart attacks in one yr -leading to a triple bypass – the finality of it all- I am disabled – with oxygen, and have cardiac heart failure, COPD(emphysema), and Hypertension-which he is the major contributing factor. -He has always handled all the finances, and I have no idea of what stocks, bonds, etc. are being deducted out of his paycheck. I have no income and qualify for absolutely nothing – i.e., disability. I am unable to work, as well. -Even though this has been going on for years, for the past year, I live/sleep in a separate room in our home. I have talked to him about getting a divorce – and he offered me pocket change if it is uncontested. I did some reading on my own – and gave no reply. -He said he talked to some friends at the firehouse – and they told him that I HAVE NO GROUNDS … -Since I have no income- I can’t afford an attorney. I don’t know what to do. I’m at the point that if I can’t get a divorce from him, that will comfortably support me for the few years I have left — I hope the next heart will be my last, so I don’t have to deal with him. Please guide me. By the way- many years back when I was in better health and went to various FDNY functions with him – I used to overhear all kinds of stories of tricks some of these guys use to hold onto as much as they can during a divorce….. Many thanks.

We have been married for eight years and are going for divorce and live in Rochester, NY. Am I entitled to alimony? Someone told me I would have to be married at least ten years.

I was hoping you could help me out with a serious problem I’m having. I live in NY State, and I am engaged to a man WHO IS separated from his ex for about five years. When he decided it was time to start divorce proceedings, he hired a lawyer. His lawyer went to the courthouse to get a copy of the separation agreement only to find out that it had never actually been filed with the Court, although both my fiancé and his ex had lawyers at the time. So, our lawyer decided he would base the divorce on abandonment, which was acceptable for both parties. So, here’s the kicker. My fiancé (Jim) and his ex have two children together. Jim pays $126.32/wk in child support out of a $300/wk income as so ordered by the family court judge, so obviously money is tight in our home. Anyway, when Jim’s lawyer contacted his ex about the divorce, she wrote him an e-mail stating that she would only sign the papers if he agreed to the following terms.. 1) He must take out at least a $100,000 per kid life insurance policy on himself making his kids sole beneficiaries. 2) He must pay for half of the medical care, dental care, etc. until they are 21 or have completed college. 3) He must pay for half of all the kids’ extracurricular activities. Including books, sports equipment, tennis lessons, piano lessons, swimming lessons, summer camp, dance lessons, etc. 4) He must pay for half of the kids’ college tuition and any bills they may incur for college. Right now, the kids are covered by CDPHP for their doctors’ bills and such and will be covered by Jim’s employment’s insurance should he have that available in the future. Jim pays for the kids to play little league and soccer and the things kids do around here. We live in a small town in upstate NY and make modest incomes, but Jim’s ex is living a dream. She complains about money problems but puts the kids in piano and karate lessons, which they don’t even like, just to keep up with the Jones’. We could only imagine, if Jim is forced to pay half of these things, she would be enrolling the kids in everything she could find. As far as paying the college goes. There is no doubt that Jim will help his kids in any way he can to put them through college if he has the resources to do it, but it sounds unreasonable to ask him to pay half the expenses. With all the legal aid and such out there, he doesn’t feel he should be written into something like that. And there is no way that on Jim’s salary he can afford two life insurance policies. Jim is an only child who takes care of his father, who uses a wheelchair for $300 a week and $126.32 comes out of that every week. He just can’t afford any of this. So, it seems that neither Jim nor his ex is willing to budge on this matter. She is a very spiteful woman, and there is no way she will change her mind about this. We are about ready to cut our losses and see if we can get back any of our money from the lawyer. But what I want to know is how long this can go on. Can she just hold out on these demands and never sign the divorce papers? Will Jim have to give in and let her have what she just wants to get this divorce finalized? Is there ever going to be a point where a judge says “enough is enough” and grants my fiance a reasonable divorce? I’m sorry this letter turned out to be so long, but I just don’t know where else to turn. Jim’s lawyer doesn’t specialize in divorce, and he isn’t much help on this matter. I would appreciate it if you could please give me some advice. Thank you so much.

My husband had an affair in 2005 a month after my dad passed away. He lived with me but continued to be with this girl he works with, until Sept 4, 2005, and then left me and moved in with “the girlfriend.” We are not legally separated, and he only pays me 502.00 every paycheck (per his lawyer) for child support. He has not paid anything for the mortgage or a loan that is in both of our names. I am falling farther and farther behind in these payments. Is he responsible for paying for them since he abandoned our 2 sons and me? If so, how do I go about it? I feel my lawyer is not working for me and am in pursuit of another. My husband is a big control freak, and for doing what he did, I feel everything is going his way. HELP!

My friend was married in Florida in 2003. She left her husband (cruel & inhuman treatment; verbal & mental abuse) and came back to NYC in 2005. He still resides in Florida. She now wants to file for divorce, can she do so from NYC?? And will there be a problem since she technically abandoned him? Is he entitled to alimony? Is she entitled to alimony? She does not work and receives a government check for disability. We would appreciate any help. Thanks!!